HEALTHY COMMUNICATION

“Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying” – Ephesians 4:29a

The edifying Lubricant of Love is HEALTHY COMMUNICATION: “Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers” (Eph.4:29, KJV). In general, lack of communication is the second most common driver of divorce, trailing only infidelity. Effective communication enhances praying, planning, conflict resolution, and mutual pursuit of God’s purpose. Communication occurs not only through spoken words, but also through gestures, facial expressions, appearance, silence, and voice tone.

Here are Five Scriptural Characteristics of Healthy Communication:

Deference or Humility: Communication is not competition! No one has to always come first: “Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself” (Phi.2:3).

Alertness: Couples should be watchful and vigilant, knowing when to speak and when to be silent: “Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one” (Col.4:6). There is no readymade formula; context matters: “Do not answer a fool according to his folly, lest you also be like him. Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own eyes” (Pro.26: 4-5).

Appropriateness and Preparedness: We should be prepared for productive conversation with one another, sharing ideas, feelings, and responses: “A man has joy by the answer of his mouth, and a word spoken in due season, how good it is! ... A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver” (Pro.15:23; 25:11).

Receptiveness: Couples should learn to receive what their partner is trying to communicate. There is a time to listen, to hear, and to speak: “So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath” (Jam.1:19).

Listening: When correctly used, silence can be as effective as the use of words. Silence can be a Virtue: “Men listened to me and waited, and kept silence for my counsel” (Pro.29:21). We should learn to listen, give feedback, and identify the feelings of others, in order to pinpoint sources of discontentment and rectify.

Communication is the mortar that holds a relationship together. If it breaks down, the relationship will crumble. When spouses no longer communicate, it is no longer a marriage. There are four types of conversations or interactions, namely:

Informal conversation: This easiest, most natural form of communication revolves around small talk or simple chitchat; like the typical comments that follow “How was your day, darling?” Yet, small talks are vital in relationships. They establish a simple connection between spouses that doesn’t require strenuous emotional vulnerability. It’s fun to simply share.

Administrative ‘meeting’: This is more like a business meeting, loaded with action items – changes to daily routine, to-do lists, appointments, social obligations, and financial decisions. Yet, they could come up quite often even in a single day! Such interaction ensures that marriage, family and lives run smoothly. However, it is unhealthy for relationships to revolve only around such serious conversations. The key is to be flexible, adaptive and considerate of the other party.

Challenging Conversation: Every relationship has its troubles or ups-and-downs, which may be big or small. Challenging discussions may be without deep introspection or tears. Others can be really serious: like when one has hurt or disappointed the other or there is deep disagreement; situations of intense grief, anger or confusion; or when dealing with sickness. Such conversations can enhance growth, expose blind spots or lead to the making of important and necessary changes in life.

Life-giving conversation: While the earlier three modes are reactive, spurred on by some need or event, this proactive mode focuses on getting to know one’s partner better and strengthening relational bonds. Couples can play, affirm, express gratitude, show curiosity, and unpack hopes and dreams. We can intentionally make space for such conversations daily, to deal with destiny-defining matters. These are more than conversations; they are statements of intimate commitment.

Maturing in the skills of Healthy Communication will edify and lubricate our relational lives for God’s Glory!